Life Is Unpredictable - or Is It?

 There are times in our lives when we come to realizations about ourselves and our abilities.  This has become one of those times for me.

I have realized that I am stuck in the same rut that I posted about all the way back in 2019.  I have proclaimed from all heights that I would change...but I haven't...I haven't budged on any of it.  I have realized that I don't know how to do the things I want to do or become the person I want to be.

Life has been so uncontrollable for the last 2 years.  And from my perspective, it doesn't look as if it will be controllable for me at anytime in the near future.  The changes just keep coming...some are foreseen, some are not.

I struggle with how to gain the ability to handle all that life is throwing at me.

I continue to search for the thing(s) that will make me feel as though I am me - crafting, yoga, meditation, art, herbs, astrology, ritual.  I don't know if I just am unable to get a grip on my shit or if I have the kind of ADHD that hinders my ability to succeed at any thing.

So, here's to new ways of figuring out what I need and where I'm going and, ultimately, who I am.  This will be a journey of discovery and hopefully of new, positive, chapters in my life.

I Haven't Moved....

As much as I want to be perfect, I am not.

I have looked at many different things to use as a program but I just can't seem to get started.

Have you spent a lot of money on different programs that you, ultimately, didn't follow?  I have.

Have you bought books to help get you started, in one way or another? I have.

I know I need to DO something...I WILL get there..more to follow.

So Many Reasons to Walk (or Run) Your Own Path

My entire life (except a brief period time that lasted for approximately 2 years that I actually stood up for myself), I have always looked for permission to be myself.

Not to completely air out family laundry, but there was a period where I cut ties with toxic family and made decisions for myself that were not the norm for my immediate family.  I chose to take care of myself by eating healthy and running and exercising for fitness.

I allowed/"forgave" the toxic family and fell down a very dangerous rabbit whole of horrible behavior (including smoking and horrible eating) that gained me anxiety, depression and 75 pounds around the middle.

Needless to say, I am in the same place before that I am in now and need to get back to that sassy, independent place where myself and my family were the MOST important to me...

I am writing this blog for several reasons...not that I think that anyone would ever read it...if anyone does I hope to at least part them with a small notion that someone has been there and will provide steps to help improve their life an mental health...but I also need to record what I am doing in case that I travel down this path again and need help to get out of it....

To ensure that there is total enclosure with what I am doing and where I have started from...

Height 5'4"
Weight 196 lbs



I miss running and plan to return to it.  It clears my head and helps me cope.

My coping mechanism right now is wine....I love wine...I will probably not give it up but I really could do without it a lot more.

I am looking at spiritual ways to help center me...meditation, natural essences, sage burning...tea is delicious (by the way)...more to come about this in general because a whole body approach is what I really want ant look for in every thing.

I don't need permission to be happy.  I don't need permission to live my life.  I don't need permission to cut toxic relationships.

Stay the course.